What do bodycam footage of a hazing ritual at the University of Iowa, a lawsuit against seven fraternity brothers at Cornell, and the Epstein files all have in common?
Well, yes. “Men” is a correct answer.
But the real answer is something all of those men are looking for: a club. A place to belong to.
Men learn early that there are consequences to breaking ranks, to not being a team player. That there are costs to speaking your mind.
They get punished for it.
And they learn that nothing feels worse than being put out into the cold.
Put on the bench.
Shit.
It feels terrible. It makes you feel like less of a man.
You’re off the team. You’re out of the club, bro.
And all you had to do was keep your mouth shut.
And so they do.
From the pledge class to the presidential cabinet, men keep their mouths shut.
They keep the peace.
They wait their turn.
They don’t want to let the team down.
They don’t want to let Dad down.
They want to be a real man.
They’ll do anything just to prove they’re a man.
You don’t have to be in a frat to understand that every single carrot and stick in our twisted social order has been telling them that if they can’t prove that to other men, they have no value.
I never joined a fraternity, but the minute I stepped on campus, the message was loud and clear that if you wanted to get girls, to have fun, to build a network, and to find job after school, you need to join a frat.
And were they wrong? All the hot girls went to their parties. All their dads paid their rent and dues. They got the internships, the callbacks, the standing invitation into the old boys’ club. The got to run the social scene on campus, at least a large SEC school like the one I went to.
Every guy on campus dreamed of scoring a way into a frat party, because thats where the beautiful women were. Frats had the girls, the power, the network.
An aristocracy of degenerate hormonal teens and twenty-somethings ruling the social scene like gods in mansions paid for by their influential alumni.
Yeah, it all looked a little pathetic to a homeschooled kid like me who was basically scared of people anyway, but I quickly understood why it was so appealing to so many men.
Men live in constant fear of being culled by the group. They are chastened by it. And to be on the outside of it, unless you are highly independent or have a strong will, is the equivalent of social death. Because, millennia ago, it was often the equivalent of literal death.
And blackballing is not a recent phenomenon.
Our word ‘ostracize’ comes from the Greek ostraka, referring to the small stones and bits of chipped pottery that the (free male) citizens of Athens would use to cast their votes to exile men deemed dangerous to their society.
So they take the vow, they take a meeting with the New York financier, then book a flight on the Lolita Express, or stay quiet when a woman’s body is offered up for a communal feast in a group chat.
Boys will be boys, right?
Epstein Culture
Something that is immediately obvious from even a cursory review of the Epstein Files is that all of this was done with an assumption of insider secrecy. The men (and women, to be fair) in the files took almost no precautions and spoke openly of depraved references to sexual assault of children.
It is the type of thing that boggles the mind of anyone who doesn’t understand club dynamics.
Of course they all felt like they could talk about this stuff with each other. They all went to Harvard together, or Stanford, or Cornell. Their dads all helped their friends get a leg up in the working world, expecting the favor to be returned for their boys when the time came.
Junior gets to go to Yale on legacy, and Senior gets a library named after him. Senior got bored of Junior’s mom years ago. I happens to men of his age. But his new buddy Jeff promises to bring the sparkle back into his life.
Everyone seems to like and respect Jeff. Jeff gets invited to all the parties and knows everyone important. Everyone keeps Jeff’s secrets, why wouldn’t they keep mine?
Who’s gonna find out?
The absolute assurance of no consequences bleeds through the Epstein Files in a way that is unmistakable.
It is the same self-assurance that bleeds through every story about fraternity life that ends up in the news. Just the absolute confidence that wealthy, white young men feel that they will be insulated from their decisions.
What is to be done?
Some version of the Cornell 7 story breaks into the public consciousness every few months and everyone is shocked and horrified for a little while. Women demand that men speak up about it, say something, anything.
Men are often reluctant to do so because a) they are more acculturated to worrying about what men think of them than what women think of them and b) they assume (sometimes correctly) that whatever they say on the subject will be relentlessly attacked, mocked, and dismissed by women and men alike.
They worry that what they say will be too much. That it won’t be enough. That they’ll introduce too much nuance, or to little. So they cower. They are used to cowering. Cowering is how you stay in the club.
In reality, most women have no intention of being hypercritical of their statements on such things. They actually just wish men would say something.
If men actually understood–understood in their bones–the actual weight of assault carried by most of their female friends, relatives, or lovers, they would likely shatter beneath the weight of it.
That brings us to a pretty important conclusion.
This only ends when we truly understand the damage that patriarchy–a system of social organization and domination structured around male hierarchies–has done to each and every one of our psyches. It ends when we learn to seek forgiveness and accountability, rather than closing ranks around lesser men.
I truly think most women understand that will be an imperfect process. I think that, more than most men, they correctly identify much antisocial male behavior as a product of culture. And culture can be changed.
I am not against men. I am not against men being men. I don’t think masculinity is evil, nor fake, nor do I think it is toxic for men to think they can and should aspire to ideal forms of male behavior (Aragorn). I do believe that there is good in men. Maybe even in most men. But there is evil too. And men need to understand that these concepts of good and evil and socially negotiated.
They are scripts. Stories.
And until we can collectively tell a new story about what it means to “be a man,” we will continue to see the savage brutality, the excuses, and the lack of accountability that the Epstein culture brings out in men.
There are potential future Epsteins to be found in every boys’ club on Earth, from the pledge class to the Presidential cabinet.
The men who turn other men into lesser men. Who prey on their worst instincts, who tell them to live without fear of consequences, to indulge.
Like mold, they grow in darkness.
It’s time to bring them into the light.
Thank you for this. I sent to my brother who is starting college next year. Our Dad is a legacy in a frat and he wanted him to join. I know it’s “not all frats” or whatever but this sickness is pervasive in all of them regardless of how visible . I hope he makes the right choice but I understand how difficult it is for him especially as a young man trying to find his place.
Thank you for saying something. I suspect many, if not most women, would agree that you’re spot on, as I do.